🫤
tw: references to suicide, depression, disordered eating etc
I feel like I'm hanging onto reality by the last nervethread anchoring the baby tooth to the jaw, and it is Not A Fun Feeling, actually.
I recently upped my dosage of Abilify to 20mg (a dose I had been on previously that messed with me so bad I attempted, I don't know why or how) again, and it's been difficult. First, no one told me Abilify, especially in higher doses, can cause impulse control issues that are REALLY BAD, and... well. I already have impulse control issues. Do the math. I've been spending without caring about my financial stability, which is Very unusual for me; usually I am overly cautious about how much I have in my bank account, checking my balance before every purchase, etc etc. I've also been binge eating despite the fact that I have no appetite due to the horrific empty depression I'm also experiencing as a result of this.
This is a different depression than my usual depression, which is how I know something's changed. Usually, my depression is sort of an active suffering - as in, I'm constantly ruminating over my problems and perceived failures, constantly thinking about how much I hate myself, or my life. This time I just don't care. About anything. I find no joy in life. It's hard to get out of bed. I've been sleeping most of my days away.
I've tried every medication on the damn market, and nothing has even slightly helped me. We're thinking of trying Spravato, and basically if that doesn't work, uh, I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to keep going. LMFAO. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I got into my psychiatrist earlier than planned, so we can sort this out hopefully soon, but it really does feel like I'm going to be severely mentally ill and constantly suicidal for the rest of my life, never experiencing even slight relief. I'm terrified that this is it for me, that my only option is Sad.
I hope the Spravato helps. I also hope that I can get into the DID specialist I want to go to, because recently I realized that my DID is very complex in nature, and polyfragmented, with around 5 more "layers" of alters I haven't discovered yet and have blackout amnesia separating us. I never know who is fronting or how to distnguish because there's just so many of us, and so much blurring. I'm dissociating at all times and I'm not exaggerating.
I really want 2024 to be the year where things start to get better.