Why I Reverted To Islam
(revised version)
In childhood, because I was eager to understand the world around me, I set off to learn everything I could about world religions. My 5th grade social studies class was boring. I had long moved past what I believed to be the rudimentary knowledge it taught, because I was a little autistic kid armed with a fresh memory, a Windows XP desktop computer, and a library card. In my free time, I spent hours on Wikipedia and combing through each cited source in every article - and not just on this topic.
As a child, I found myself connected deeply to Islam, though I did not know how to explain it. I was young, and did not know that it was possible to choose a religion you weren't born with. My parents raised me with no religion, but were, for lack of a better word, pagan, and the rest of my family was Christian. What I read as a child fascinated and resonated with me, and during this time, a hijabi student transferred to my class, and we got to know each other.
Flash forward to 2019, when I remembered that student and my studies. I began to experience once more...everything I felt back then. I was in a difficult place at the time, and it all just came flooding back (admittedly, I was manic.) No one I knew remembered that part of my life and I barely did either. Until 2017, I practiced hellenic polytheism and dressed modestly, but the actual religion of polytheism had always felt empty to me when I tried to embrace it (a note here: I have utmost respect for those of different religions, it just didn't work for me specifically). I also considered converting to Judaism - in the end, that wasn't right for me either.
But it was simple to me: protection, mercy, striving to be the best person you can be to make the world a better place, here and beyond. I loved the idea that I was created by Someone who loves me and has a plan in place for my life, Someone who knows best. I thought about all the times I felt a divine presence in my life. My father's sudden, unexpected death occurring conveniently before a time at which he planned to abandon me and my mother and leave us homeless. That one time I forgot my purse on top of the car when I got in, and, after the driver took us fifteen minutes into the other side of town, I found the purse still there, perfectly intact, right where I had left it on the roof of the car. Everything I prayed for, I eventually attained in one way or another. As I expanded my knowledge further, I began to realize that embracing Islam helped me understand the world better, and Islam made sense.
I took Shahada in July 2019. I did not know if my connection to Islam would last, and through difficult times it admittedly has waivered, but I always find my way back. I can't deny it.
I still struggle. I do not know many other Muslims, and the ones I do know are from a tight, inclusive internet community that I vastly appreciate. I know that, as someone who isn't straight or cis, I am not accepted in the community at large. But Islam, to me, is about a beautiful, personal relationship with God, and I do not think that my relationship with Allah has room for the judgement of other people.
Certain people I had once been close to have caused me a significant amount of religious trauma over the years, and the concept of religion previously only served to make me anxious and terrified. I believe in justice and, more importantly, I believe that He knows justice in the most ultimate sense, and He sees those who have wronged others so deeply and caused unrelenting pain, and acts according to what is just, standing with the oppressed and against oppression. In my mind, God is loving, God also has so much empathy, and He chooses wisely. Nothing is ever arbitrary. I like to think that what we do on Earth matters in the sense that treating other people with kindness and peace (and fighting against those who oppose being kind) is the best way to serve both humanity and God.
I try to be the best person I can be, and this is what helps me. I feel like it has made me a calmer, more considerate individual. I feel like being Muslim and having that dedication to Allah is something that can anchor me to Earth when I'm struggling at my worst. And though I still have difficulties with practicing, I still ultimately have deep faith, and I am still grateful I was lead here.