I Fucking Hate My Life, And That's A Good Thing
I've been doing a LOT better mentally. I've actually seen an amount of improvement I never, ever thought was possible. I started a new medication recently - very low dose Latuda - and I finally feel like a person. Not even again. I feel like a person for the first time.
I don't really know what happened, but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth, so to speak.
I went to a halloween party at a local lgbt resource center yesterday. I spent time with a few people I met on local Facebook groups and their family. We laughed, painted pumpkins, and had an amazing time. I said hi to anyone who came in the room...
I've never been able to do this in my life. I used to be so preoccupied with HOW I was being perceived that I never wanted to be perceived, in case someone didn't like me, couldn't handle me, looked away in disgust like I truly did resemble the incomprehensible horror I pictured myself as. But now I've realized the worst thing possible: I LIKE being around people. I love it, actually. I like people, and interactions. I've been starved of this my whole life.
And overall, I have realized, just now, that I really fucking hate my life.
I hate the person my severe mental illness forced me to be -- the constantly shifting specter who flitted throughout life like a house abandoned in the middle of construction. The person who had only one setting: HIDE. OPT OUT. CLOSE TAB. LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE BEFORE YOU CAN BE LEFT.
I was never able to come to terms with my dissatisfaction in a healthy way, because I was resigned to it; I thought my hands were tied, that I'd be unhappy for the rest of my life and there was just... nothing I could do. Oh well, right?
Nah, fuck that. There's always something you can do.
It doesn't have to be this way. I can change my life and I'm going to change my life. I'm gripping it with ferocity. What am I gripping? I don't know. I'm reaching out into the dark and feeling my way around. I don't know what I'm about to pull out of the ether, but I think I can deal with whatever happens.
It's good, I think, that I'm unhappy. That's step one. Yesterday I began a creative project, and finished a creative project in a state that I was happy with. I've never been able to finish a large creative project... in all my years... ever. That's step one. I don't have to constantly put myself in internet spaces that make me feel like I'm constantly being watched and assessed and potentially discarded with humiliation the minute I make any kind of mistake. I don't have to be around people who annoy me. I can just look away. I don't have to do any of this. I can make my own spaces, and I can build my life up into something I like living in.
That's step one.